Excerpts

Chapter One: Escape Let's mourn -- Orders come from abroad, like death itself; The guns are free, So are the bullets, And this year is the year of dying young, The year of departures, The year of refugees. Qahar Ausi, 1989 At dusk, the downtown Kabul district of Dehe Afghanan is cloaked with grey clouds and grey smoke. The early spring rain has left dirt and water across the paved roads. For over a decade now the highways have not been maintained, and the potholes have become deeper, the city's drainage system more derelict each year. It's not cold, but we all hug our arms around our bodies as if shivering from fear. We all walk fast, very fast -- hoping to get away from everything and everyone. It's been ten years since the beginning of the war. Who started it? Who will end it? These days, we are so tired that we wish to forget. But is it possible to forget about war when minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day we feel that something bloody and terrible is about to happen? The curfew starts at 10:00 every night. But there is another unspoken curfew that is imposed not by the communist government but by fear, a curfew that sets in much earlier. Which is why, at this hour, a cocktail of bicycles, motorbikes, pickup trucks, white-and-blue buses, red-and-orange minibuses and yellow taxis, all overcrowded, are merging into a river of traffic. People flood along the main road between the vehicles to reach the two bus stations. Vendors scream their hearts out in a desperate attempt to sell their apples and beans, spinach and meat. Fabrics are measured and cut at speed, four customers at a time. Even the clouds are racing over my head. I move with the crowd. Meeting familiar eyes means a nod, stepping on someone's muddy shoes means a whisper of "sorry," hitting someone on the shoulder brings a shrug. My only thought is of reaching the bus station. Upon a pedestal a uniformed officer stands with a hand-held stop sign and a whistle, controlling the traffic, his eyes almost invisible beneath the white peak of his hat. I can see only the tip of his nose and his narrow chin. He appears to be smiling, but it could be fatigue. He is dressed in a grey uniform with white collar and cuffs, and black military boots. There used to be streetlights at the intersection, but there are now so many power cuts in the city that we hardly remember them. People are fighting to board the buses, standing in rainwater and dirt so thick they can't see the ground under their feet. There are few buses left and little fuel. So people stuff themselves into the vehicles, three times as many as the rules permit, hanging from the front and back doors, teenagers climbing through the windows, their bodies still dangling outside the bus when it moves away. Chaos is normal for us. Fear, anger, panic and waiting -- always waiting -- is our life. Ten years, and we've been watching the gradual deterioration of life, not just seeing it, but living it. To protect ourselves from thieves, we young women have to be ready to nearly throttle a total stranger, to punch his arm, back or face, to shout an obscenity at him. Physical and verbal harassment on the streets is so common that we don't even talk about it any more. It's an accepted part of the war. An empty bus arrives, and we circle like bees around the doors, breathless in our efforts to push them open. Suddenly a massive explosion makes the ground tremble beneath our feet. The shoving and pushing stop. There is silence after the clap of sound. I move my arms and shake my legs to make sure I am in one piece. Thank God! I'm untouched. I begin to hear screams and cries of pain. The explosion, it turns out, was at the bus station across the street, more than a block away. We barge our way towards the doors of the bus. All that matters is the hysterical, unstoppable desire to escape. As the semicircle of people gets larger and more frantic, I hesitate for just a moment, and I'm pushed out. I decide to try the driver's door, and go to the other side of the bus. Just then, there's another terrific explosion, followed by a third. I cannot move. The detonations feel closer this time; the ground under my feet shakes even harder. I see things flying through the air. There is more screaming. The bus, moving slowly away, has quickly filled with passengers. The three explosions were from rockets landing a couple of metres from each other in the bus station. I walk with a few people from this side of the street towards the scene of the explosions. A tide of blood is running over the paved road, over the dirt and mud. I see a purse hanging from one of the bus station's destination boards and, next to it, a single arm, cut off at the elbow, upside down, blood dripping from fingers moving in the breeze, a sudden terrible goodbye. People are running, crying. An elderly man is trying to comfort a wounded boy buried waist-deep in a mass of body parts, mud and torn clothes. A cart lies on its side, wheels still turning. Hundreds of yellow and green prunes are lying on the road. It's only now that I begin to smell the blood and flesh, a butcher's shop of corpses. I turn around and walk back along the pavement. Something lying in the dirt looks like a single finger. Yes, it is a finger. It has a ring on it. I walk backwards. The sound of people screaming mixes with car horns. The traffic circle is empty. The white peak of the officer's hat, stained with blood, lies on the muddy ground. I walk faster to get away. How many more rockets may yet land here? An ambulance arrives. Policemen are pushing the crowd away. I return to my bus stop, where another bus is filling with panic-stricken passengers. We are sheep, our heads down, pushing towards the door. No words, no tears. The conductor, an elderly man, pulls a few people off the packed bus before he hops on. The passengers are mute. There is only the sound of the engine, the windshield wipers and heavy breathing. The driver pulls a folded greasy cloth from under his seat and, while steering the wheel, reaches to clean off the fog that is building on the windshield. I notice a crack in the glass that runs all the way to the top. Someone has tried to patch it with green duct tape. "Tickets, please." We act as if it's perfectly normal to see men, women and children in pieces, quite natural to walk through their blood and body parts, then get on a bus for home. "Tickets, please." The rain washes our memories. How many have just died? No one knows. Given the bleak state of things in Kabul, no one will have the right number. "Tickets, please." There will be a rough estimate, but the government can't keep up with the statistics when there are so many rockets and bombs exploding each day. Only the families of those who died -- if they still had families -- will know who's lost. For us on the bus, all that matters is to reach home and discover that it was not our friends, not our families who had died. But I do know someone who was killed on this day in March of 1989. Ibrahim was a classmate in a mathematics course I used to take outside school hours. He was a tall, lean boy, about my age, around sixteen, in grade eleven in one of the boys' schools. I noticed him because he used to get good grades in our biweekly exams. Girls used to giggle when he and his friends passed by. He was a shy boy who didn't talk much. But I had seen him a couple of times, and he had nodded his head in a silent "hi," with just the touch of a smile on his face. I had heard that his family wanted to send him abroad, but death caught him too soon. I can't bring myself to go to Ibrahim's funeral. I want to forget about those who die, not remember them. Otherwise my life is going to be dominated by dead people. My mother and father attend lots of funerals: family, friends, neighbours. I admire them for their courage -- facing all that misery and pain, listening to each individual's story of loss. My mother, Jamila, is the one who tells me about Ibrahim. She was attending another wake in the same funeral home when she heard about him and saw his mother and sisters. "The two sisters, one with a baby, were crying," my mother says. "But his mother was like a wooden stick -- dry and silent." My mother goes on talking about how many funerals were held in that one place that day. The city's few funeral homes were built for ordinary times, not for war. The two funeral homes downtown are packed each day, with several services going on at the same time. My father, Habibullah, has only Fridays off from his work as a doctor to visit neighbours and friends to offer his condolences. But my mother, who works half-days as a teacher in one of the local schools, has more time to attend the ceremonies. Dressed in grey, brown or black suits, Jamila arrives home each day from funerals, looking more tired, more upset. Each evening begins with her words "God forbid! No family should go through this." But God doesn't forbid -- and the Afghan government and its opposition forces, the mujahidin, the "holy warriors," make sure it is not forbidden. The funerals continue. In the spring of 1989, Kabul is a city under siege. It has been this way for months. The mujahidin have encircled Kabul, launching rocket attacks. The communist government, helplessly holding on to power, responds with counterattacks. The fear of dying is more real than ever. Starvation and mines, rockets and bombs are a sentence of death, a final conviction for the innocent. Explosions are frequent, happening at any time, at any location: marketplaces, bus stations, residential areas, schools, government offices, parks, streets, even graveyards. Nowhere is safe. March 22 marks the beginning of the school year in the city. Streets, buses and sidewalks are crowded with students, teachers and professors. It rained last night, but the sun is out now, spreading a warm glow over the trees and grass. It's a beautiful day. I walk with happiness to meet Dyana. She is taller than I am and has whiter skin, brown eyes and dark brown shoulder-length hair. To go to school or to go shopping or just for a walk, we always meet at the bus stop near our homes in the east Kabul district of Taymanie. We greet each other in the same way, saying "Salam" [peace] at the same time, with a handshake and three kisses on the cheek. We manage to get on a crowded bus. As soon as it starts to move, a rocket passes over our heads. The driver is so scared he hits the brake. The bus shudders to a stop. We are packed and squeezed too closely to fall, but we all lean over each other, struggling to find something to hold on to. From the back, guys shout at the driver, "Move, move. Don't stop." A voice says, "It is just a rocket. Why on earth would you stop?" The driver finally steps on the gas and heads on up the road. There is a sigh of relief. We survived this one, but we know there are more to come. Although we have grown used to these attacks, there is always a moment of panic and confusion when a rocket explodes. A missile is intrusive, impartial in its cruelty, impossible to dismiss or ignore. Each time I hear an incoming missile -- the hiss and scream of its flight -- I tremble with fear, for my life and for those of my family and friends. Perhaps some of us are better at hiding our fear. But my mother never claims to be brave enough to remain indifferent. No Hollywood lighting expert could capture the paleness of my mother's face, the quivering of her colourless lips when she hears the rocket fire. She says her heart gets weaker with each explosion, each death and each funeral. She is not the only one. In a barrage that has lasted months, the missiles come in unprecedented numbers. And so do the casualties, the burned cars and smashed homes. Of course, the war was always real to us, but until now the battles were in the countryside and in other cities. Before this, we used to hear news of the fighting; now we see its victims, bloodied, burned, broken and dead. For years we lived a fantasy war, but now it has invaded our lives. On the streets, inside our buses -- even in classrooms -- people get into arguments and fistfights quickly. We are losing our collective nerve. The war has come to our homes. People have been fleeing the country for the past ten years, but the rate seems to have doubled in the last year. For months, every night around our dinner table, we have had this same conversation. We usually have dinner at eight, after my father is back from work. Each night, about midway through the dinner, my mother starts in on the topic. "Zarena-jan brought a set of golden bracelets to school today." The name of the teacher and the kind of jewellery change every few days. We all listen patiently, knowing where this is going to end. "She said she trusted only the few of us." And my father always replies, "If you like them, why don't you buy the bracelets?" At first Jamila is calm. "That's not the point -- it's not about the jewellery, it's about our lives." Then she goes on to list all the people we know who have left the country. We roll our eyes, nodding as she pauses after each name to catch her breath. We know all the names of her fellow teachers and of Dad's colleagues who've escaped or who are about to flee Afghanistan. By the time the table is being cleared, the conversation becomes more overt, more ferocious. "So, how long do you think we should stay in this country, in this terrible war?" asks Jamila. "Forever," my father replies. "Until only one other person is left in this land, I will remain here." Irritated, she says, "What is in this stupid place that keeps you here, putting all our lives at risk, for what?" "My people, my country, my job. What am I going to do if I go anywhere else? These people, they need me." He gets up angrily from the table. There is a Socratic touch to my father's approach. He always wins my admiration for his persistence. I imagine him in a robe, after his trial, standing in the middle of a crowd, declaring that he is who he is because of Greece. Outside Greece, he is nobody -- he'd rather die than run away. He sounds noble, but Habibullah is condemned. He can leave the table, but not the discussion. "You want us all to starve to death." My mother follows him to the hallway. A moment of rage. "Lady!" my father shouts. "Leave me alone -- for God's sake, let us be." Then the voice of logic prevails. "We are not going to starve." Habibullah is calmer, sitting in the living room, sipping his tea. "Have a little faith. We are lucky. We have enough food and money." In reality, we are among the few fortunate people in Kabul. We are not in danger of starving to death. In barrels stored under our stairs we have more than fifty tons of flour, nearly sixty kilograms of rice and gallons of cooking oil. Even on cold winter days, my father manages to purchase enough wood for the antique steel chimney that heats the living and dining rooms, and enough gas to keep the stoves in our bedrooms running. Each autumn, my father buys a whole sheep that is prepared, smoked and stored for the winter. There are occasions when we don't have milk or sugar, but that's because there is nothing in the market to buy. Otherwise, my father will pay any price for anything we need. The fruit and vegetables in the market are not the best quality, but we can afford to buy them. My father shares this food with others and my mother is the first to make sure our maid's family receive their portion. We hear and know all of this, but we also know that, in the absence of security, it doesn't mean much. It may even expose us to more danger at a time when poverty is driving people to crime. People who dress well -- or appear wealthy -- are robbed and killed in broad daylight. Wealth doesn't protect anyone from lawlessness and war. But my mother has a more damning argument. "What about your son?" she asks. "What about him?" My father knows what is coming. "Look how tall he's grown," Jamila says. "One of these days, the soldiers will take him away, and he will be forced to join the army. What are you going to do then?" She has scored a point. "I have enough contacts to guarantee him a safe military service -- perhaps as a security guard in the city." This is what he always says, but we all know it is becoming increasingly difficult to be safe in the city -- as a civilian, let alone as a security guard. Since 1984 the Afghan government has been aggressively conscripting all men between the ages of eighteen and forty into the army. But in the past two years, the situation has grown worse. Under the pretence of the "national emergency," boys are taken by force from the streets -- sometimes from outside their schools -- to join the army. Squads of soldiers check the IDs of young boys, but they no longer care about their real ages. If a boy of fourteen appears tall or strong enough, they will take him to their military base. Bringing in a new conscript can earn a soldier a half day off, or a night at home with his family. Young men are on the run and there are few places to hide. Houses are searched, day after day. Unless one is the son of the president or a top intelligence man or a Communist Party member, it is impossible to avoid military service. The sons of the ruling party, of course, go to one of the countries in the Communist bloc to "study." For the rest, the only escape is to run away from Afghanistan. Yaghen was a tough boy on our street. Well built, tall and attractive, temperamental and a bit arrogant, he was, perhaps, fifteen -- a couple of years older than my brother. They played football and flew kites together until Yaghen was taken by soldiers. That winter, the boys in the street played kite games without him. I saw Yaghen come home one day to visit his mother. His military uniform suited him, from his new crewcut to his neatly tied polished boots. Above his upper lip were the beginnings of a moustache, which made him look more handsome. But he looked smaller. Three weeks later, Yaghen's body was brought home in a coffin. Both my parents attended the funeral. It was a Friday. I watched from behind our wall as his uncle and cousins carried the coffin from their shared home for burial. His mother, crying and shouting, would not let go of the wooden box. Some family members were trying to cover her head with her white scarf, which was constantly falling over her shoulders as she writhed in agony. Finally a couple of women pulled her inside the house as the men took away the remains of her son. She went on screaming, calling to him. "Yaghen! Yaghen! How I raised you, my boy," she shouted in a broken voice. "This wasn't the time of dying, leaving your mother fearful like this -- if only I were going to the grave instead of you." The coffin was taken away; the wooden door of their home was closed. For the next few hours, there came an occasional sound of grief. By nightfall, I could hear her again, crying. Then it was quiet. Yaghen was gone. The following week, another boy's body was brought home to our street -- another conscript. His family lived farther down the road. I didn't know them, couldn't recall ever seeing him. But my parents once again paid their respects to the family. They returned with their usual sighs, broken spirits and the same old story. The boy had been taken from the street and sent at once to the front line, and -- before his family could even get used to his absence from home -- his coffin was brought to them. This was the third death in a month on our street. All were young boys. The son of an elderly woman who lives across from our home was injured. He is home now, recovering from a shrapnel wound. Everyone breathed with relief that he was alive. He gives a little hope to all of us. Our dinner-table argument over leaving the country is gradually shifting. My father, in his nightly monologue, would insist the five of us must remain in Afghanistan. I used to take my father's side, asking my mother who would free Afghanistan from occupation -- who would rebuild it -- if we all left. But now Jamila argues about the need to survive, about our future and, more important, our education. The mention of the word "education" disarms Habibullah. "As long as one nail is left in my wall, I will pay for the education of my children," he says. He wouldn't object if my brother and I alone went to India to study -- a plan my mother has put forward -- but my father himself refuses to abandon his country. My mother, however, wants all of us to leave. I'm starting to take her side. Is there any other way out? About four months earlier, I had tried to find a solution. In the beginning of winter, as soon as the school year ended, I started to stand in a line, not for food or fuel but for passports. If we managed to get passports and make the arrangement to go to India, my father just might be convinced to join us. India was still one of those destinations to which one could travel freely; it was, at least nominally, "non-aligned." Once there, it was possible to get refugee status and eventually go to a Western country. We needed proper documentation, passports, visas, return tickets -- and clearance from the KhAD (Khadamat-i Ittila'at-i Daulati, the State Information Service). It wasn't easy, but it was worth a try. After all, my mother's younger sister had recently managed to take her family to India. So I went to join the line. It was my birthday wish the December that I turned sixteen that I would get us all passports so we could leave the country legally. With false IDs and applications for the whole family, I arrived at the passport office early one winter morning. It hadn't snowed yet, but a cold wind was blowing angrily, moving everything it found in its way. A couple of weeks of preparation had gone into this first visit. I had learned about the procedures and regulations by talking to a family friend who had a high-ranking position in the municipal government. My father respected him because he was a dedicated nationalist but never a member of the Communist Party. Through him, I learned that new laws forbade medical doctors, professors, teachers, nurses, engineers, students and all men of conscription age from obtaining a passport. The Afghan government was doing everything it could to stop professional people from leaving the country. Our false IDs looked as good as the real ones. The only difference was that my mother was marked down as a housewife and my father was listed as a shopkeeper. As for me -- newly graduated from high school -- I was now a girl without any education. Both my brother and my sister shared this status with me. Carrying these documents as if they were precious stones, I walked with care. With a heavy heart, I arrived at the big, grey-walled, iron-gated compound. A security guard was standing at the gate, searching all who entered. A series of one-storey buildings had been constructed along the interior walls. I managed to find the door with "Passport Office" painted above it in black. I stepped inside. There was a tiny corridor, dark as a dungeon. The walls hadn't seen paint in decades. At one end was a room divided by a wooden counter and a thick glass wall, officials on one side, passport applicants on the other. The officials moved between papers and typewriters and heaps of files; they looked like comic, exotic creatures behind the glass. I was told to wait in line in the next room. When I made it to the counter, I presented the documents to a man with a thick moustache. The officer took the papers, opened a big log book and painstakingly entered each name with the date and time of registry. Then he listed the applications and gave me a piece of paper with a reference number. "Come back next week," he said. Before I could ask a single question, the next person in the line was pushing in front of the counter. I felt triumphant. I returned early in the morning the next week. All the way to the passport office, voices in my head competed against each other: they will tell me the documents are fake; they will call me in for questioning about the false IDs; they will tell me to leave and never come back. It must have been noon by the time I made it to the counter. The officer took the number from my slip of paper and disappeared. Those few minutes felt longer than a day of waiting. He returned with our applications, handed them to me and told me to go and pay in the next room. I couldn't believe it. I took the papers and joined another line. So far, all was going well. While I waited, I was thinking of how to look innocent. I should try to act more like someone without any education -- I shouldn't sound sophisticated. Finally, I arrived at the payment counter, where the officer took the applications and examined them carefully. Worried that he might know something I didn't, I put on a silly smile. He asked me to pay. Then he gave me a form to sign. I pretended I didn't know how to hold a pen or sign. He gave me a look. "You don't expect me to believe that you -- with your looks and your clothes -- have no education," he said. "Come on!" I looked down, still pretending I didn't know what he was talking about. Exasperated, he pulled out a small ink pad, forcibly took my hand, pressed my thumb against the soft wet sponge and then pressed it hard onto the form. The purple lines -- my fingerprint -- looked like a puzzle. "Kid! Don't lie -- no one will believe you," he said, handing me the papers. "Take them to the next room." I quickly moved away, my face burning -- this was not just embarrassing, it was dangerous. By the time I made it into the next room, all the counters had closed. I couldn't submit the documents. I walked home against a bitter wind. There were still some leaves scattered on the sidewalks; it hadn't yet started to snow. Cars and people went by, seemingly in silence. All I could hear were my own thoughts and my own footsteps on the pavement over the broken leaves. My mind was locked on the documents, the passports -- our tickets to freedom. The following day I submitted the documents without any problems at the proper counter and was told to check back in a week's time. One week became two. Before the end of the third week, I went to see the family friend who had furnished me with the earlier advice. His workplace was in the same compound, opposite the passport office. The corridor in his building was carpeted, and there were leather-covered seats. Warmth and the smell of burnt wood came from the chimney that stood in a corner. Here, too, there was a lineup. But our family friend, realizing I was there, came out and invited me to his office. A clerk and another man were there too. He got rid of the man, but the clerk was looking through some files in a cabinet. I managed to tell him -- between phone calls and the clerk's questions -- about the delay in our applications. He didn't deal directly with the passport office, he told me. I heard the nervousness in his voice and began to understand that the clerk was a spy. It took me a little while to realize that it would seem very suspicious for our friend to do anything. Helping someone escape the country was not part of his job description as the mayor's deputy. He could go to prison for it. But the next morning, outside his office, he introduced me to a long-haired man in a striped shirt, a man who was supposed to have good contacts in the passport office. The man in the striped shirt walked me there, made me wait in that dungeon-like corridor, went in with our file number and came back after thirty minutes. "It's being processed," he said. "Come back next week." And so I did. It was snowing. A crowd had gathered in the yard. A man with a school notebook was standing on a stone in the middle, reading names aloud. Inside, an officer told me that our applications had gone to the KhAD for security clearance. It could take weeks or months to get an answer, he didn't know. All successfully returned files were listed in the book the man was reading from outside. "You have to wait there to see if your name is on the list," he said, pointing at the crowd. "We update the book every two days." For the next five weeks, I went back every Saturday, Monday and Wednesday to stand in the yard, with hundreds of others, waiting for an officer to arrive and read from that notebook. There were different officers on different days. They stood on one of the steps or on a stone -- slightly higher than the crowd -- to read the file numbers and names. Being on the list meant you had obtained the KhAD's approval and would get a passport. It was so cold we could see the officer's breath, a white vapour that unfolded in the air. As he read, the officer would place one hand in his pocket to warm it up and hold the notebook with the other. Every so often, he switched hands. If he stopped for a moment, the crowd would grow uneasy and urge him to continue. It was a ritual. We all stood to attention as he read, despite the cold. We kept moving closer and closer to the officer as he turned each page -- a thread by which he pulled us towards him. Our cold-battered faces would light up as he began at the top of the page, but our hopes would be extinguished when he reached the bottom. Those who heard their names had to push their way out of the crowd. We returned faithfully, day after day. I listened with such concentration that all I could hear was the officer's voice, the numbers and the names. The cold gradually became hard to bear. My red winter boots, once fashionable, let in the icy water. There were days when I'd lose all feeling in my toes. It was only when I put my numbed feet in front of the gas stove at home that I would begin to feel the pain. I had a fur coat, which kept me warm. But a few people, including a couple of guards, started to pass close enough to stroke the fur with their elbows or arms. A few times, they poked the soft hair of the coat. After I heard someone call me a "dirty bourgeois," I stopped wearing it. The cold eased and the snow began to melt. The tree in the yard near the passport office started to bud. The spring wind blew into our open jackets and coats. But those of us who still waited to hear our numbers and names didn't move an inch as the ritual went on. Each day, the officer started from the top of the list, reading yet again all the names that were not crossed out -- meaning no one had claimed the forms. God knows, some names were now months old, and so engraved in our memories that we murmured restlessly, "next, next." Some of these people must have been dead. Or else they had fled Afghanistan without a passport. But no one said a word; no one knew whether the next person was a spy. We rolled our eyes, but listened attentively. One day that spring, the family friend told me there was no point in standing there any more. Our applications were being held at the KhAD, he said. It would be better to find some contacts and bribe someone at the KhAD to get them out. He was going to look into it. So my mother and I have given up hope. We have done everything. I waited in the line, we bribed anyone who could get our papers through the KhAD, we even started another set of applications. And now the government has added to its restrictions. Passports with visas, even if originally approved for security clearance, must go back to the KhAD for further verification. My mother is looking frail. The rockets send her blood pressure through the roof -- 180/100 or 190/110, as recorded by my father on several occasions. As soon as the rockets start, she reaches for something to hold on to for support. The other day, she grabbed my arm and, for the first time, I could actually feel the vibration from her body as her heart pounded faster and faster. My father still says he wants to stay as long as the last person remains in this land, albeit with less passion. I know his heart is bleeding too, but he's stubborn, as unbending as an oak tree. He says his roots are here, right in this city. He says the life of this country is in his blood; the history of his generation lives inside him, its hold too strong to let go. "I cannot leave," he says over and over again. "I cannot leave." Copyright (c) 2005 by Nelofer Pazira Excerpted from A Bed of Red Flowers: In Search of My Afghanistan by Nelofer Pazira All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.