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Summary
Summary
At least once in your life someone will say to you, "I have cancer," and when she says the three words, you may struggle with a response. If a loved one or friend hasn't informed you of a cancer diagnosis, it's only a matter of time until they will. Every year fourteen million people worldwide learn they are living with or may die from this insidious illness. The uncertainty of cancer causes anxiety in those diagnosed and feelings of inadequacy in loved ones and friends who want to help.
When someone says "I have cancer," what will you say? More importantly, what will you do? In Loving, Supporting, and Caring for the Cancer Patient, readers will learn specific ways of going beyond the response "I'm so sorry," and practical behaviors that will ease a loved one or friend's journey. They range from being specific immediately after a diagnosis, to honoring their loved one or friend at the moment of passing.
Based on Stan Goldberg's own cancer journey, thirty years of counseling and coaching people living with cancer and their loved ones, and as a bedside volunteer in four hospices over eight years, the book is filled with poignant accounts of clients and patients, personal reflections, and age-old stories filled with infinite wisdom.
Author Notes
Stan Goldberg, PhD, is Professor Emeritus of Communicative Disorders at San Francisco State University. He is the author of more than two-hundred articles and seven internationally award-winning books, including Lessons for the Living: Stories of Forgiveness, Gratitude, and Courage at the End of Life , which received six national and international awards and was translated into Chinese, Indonesian, and Portuguese. He has lectured in Canada, Taiwan, Costa Rica and throughout the United States. He is a prolific award-winning writer, editorial consultant and recognized expert in the area of cancer support, end-of-life issues, caregiving, chronic illnesses, aging, and change. Goldberg was a bedside volunteer at the internationally renowned Zen Hospice Project in San Francisco for two years until its Guest House closed. He held similar responsibilities for the next six years with Hospice By The Bay, George Mark Children's House, and Pathways Home Health and Hospice. With more than 300 publications, presentations, workshops, and interviews, he garnered 22 national and international awards for his writing. His website stangoldbergwriter.com contains hundreds of publically available articles on cancer, caregiving, aging, and chronic illnesses.
Reviews (1)
Booklist Review
Goldberg dedicates his book to his granddaughter, saying that he hopes her generation will find it irrelevant and ask, What was cancer, Grandpa?' Until then, family members and friends of people diagnosed with the disease can use any of his 270 suggestions and principles for helpful behaviors that go beyond just saying, I'm so sorry. Many seem simplistic and obvious, such as recognizing that change is frightening and slower is better. But others are good reminders, such as supporting a loved one's decision to stop life-extending treatment. Goldberg, a professor emeritus of communicative disorders at San Francisco State and a prolific author, draws heavily and wisely on his experience as a former hospice volunteer. For example, he notes that people often mistakenly think the need to communicate diminishes as people speak less as they approach death. Actually the reverse is true, he says. Silence in the dying is less a sign of not wishing to communicate and more a sign of uncertainty, fear, or regret. He notes that dying is not about you and advises people to grant forgiveness to loved ones who ask for it. Like his other recommendations, this one seems destined to help family members as well as terminal cancer patients feel better.--Springen, Karen Copyright 2017 Booklist
Table of Contents
| Acknowledgments | p. xi |
| 1 The Basics | p. 1 |
| Reduce the Chaos of Cancer | p. 2 |
| Assume the World of Your Loved One Differs From Yours | p. 3 |
| Honestly Express Your Feelings | p. 5 |
| Change Compassionate Thoughts Into Helpful Behaviors | p. 6 |
| Recognize Reactions to Cancer Differ | p. 8 |
| Why It's Not a Battle | p. 12 |
| What You Will Experience | p. 15 |
| Thinking About Cancer Is Not the Same as Experiencing It | p. 17 |
| Reduce Stress and Take Care of Your Needs | p. 19 |
| 2 Revealing a Cancer Diagnosis | p. 23 |
| The Decision to Reveal a Cancer Diagnosis | p. 23 |
| Be Careful About Using Labels | p. 24 |
| Be Supportive and Specific | p. 25 |
| Balance Hope With Reality | p. 28 |
| The Professional Management of Cancer | p. 31 |
| Balancing Honesty With Compassion | p. 34 |
| Build Trust Early | p. 35 |
| Send Good Thoughts | p. 36 |
| Help the Person in Emotional Shock to Function | p. 38 |
| Accept and Support Treatment Decisions | p. 40 |
| 3 A Life of Uncertainty | p. 45 |
| When You Become Collateral Damage | p. 45 |
| How Side Effects Will Change Your Loved One's Life | p. 46 |
| The Meaning of Gratitude and Its Absence | p. 49 |
| Be Supportive as Examination Appointments Approach | p. 50 |
| Help Create Simplicity, Stability, and Control | p. 51 |
| Insist on Treatment With Dignity | p. 55 |
| Balance Independence and Dependence | p. 56 |
| Look for the Lost Emotions Behind Grief | p. 57 |
| Don't Assume Your Loved One Is Aware of Interpersonal Problems | p. 59 |
| Thinking Is Not the Key to Happiness | p. 60 |
| 4 The Nature of Losses | p. 63 |
| Losses Are a Part of Life | p. 63 |
| Losing What Gives Joy | p. 65 |
| Anger | p. 66 |
| Distortions | p. 67 |
| Don't Fill Up Time | p. 68 |
| Expectations Following Losses | p. 68 |
| Accept Reordering of Priorities | p. 69 |
| The Bigger Picture | p. 71 |
| Accept Changes in Identity | p. 73 |
| 5 Conversations | p. 77 |
| Why and How to Analyze Conversations | p. 77 |
| Listen More and Talk Less | p. 78 |
| Assure Conversational Flow | p. 80 |
| Clearly Express Ideas | p. 83 |
| Prevent Message Interference | p. 89 |
| The Importance of Timing | p. 91 |
| Look for Hidden Meanings | p. 92 |
| 6 Discomfort, Pain, and Suffering | p. 95 |
| Medication | p. 95 |
| Treating Discomfort | p. 97 |
| Treating Chronic Pain | p. 99 |
| Reduce Suffering | p. 100 |
| The Boundaries of Pain Are Porous | p. 101 |
| Thinking During Pain | p. 102 |
| Use Distraction to Minimize Pain | p. 103 |
| Accept Sudden Changes in Plans | p. 104 |
| Don't Romanticize Pain | p. 105 |
| Witnessing Pain | p. 106 |
| 7 Easing a Loved One's Death | p. 109 |
| Support End-of-Life Decisions | p. 109 |
| Support Unrealistic Beliefs When It's Compassionate | p. 111 |
| When to Begin Discussing Hospice | p. 112 |
| Help Your Loved One Let Go | p. 113 |
| Expect Helplessness | p. 115 |
| Dying Is Hard Work | p. 116 |
| Don't Be Afraid to Talk about Death | p. 116 |
| Don't Assume Spirituality and Religion Are Enough | p. 118 |
| Asking for Forgiveness | p. 120 |
| Help Tie Up Loose Ends | p. 122 |
| Saying and Accepting Thanks | p. 123 |
| Don't Grieve Excessively in Your Loved One's Presence | p. 125 |
| Don't Force Food or Water | p. 126 |
| Give Legitimacy to Private Experiences | p. 127 |
| Give Permission to Die | p. 128 |
| How to Create a Vigil | p. 129 |
| What to Do When Death Is Imminent | p. 130 |
| What to Do After the Moment of Death | p. 131 |
| You Did the Best You Could | p. 132 |
| Lessons You Will Learn | p. 133 |
| 8 Recovering Joy | p. 135 |
| Understanding Grief's Intensity | p. 136 |
| Acceptance and Moving Forward | p. 138 |
| Therapy: How Much Time to Grieve? | p. 139 |
| Living in the Present | p. 142 |
| It Takes Energy to Be Miserable | p. 142 |
| Finding the Lost Emotion | p. 143 |
| Universal Principles for Resurrecting Joy | p. 145 |
| Troubleshooting | p. 152 |
| Notes | p. 153 |
| Appendix: What to Do for Your Loved One and How to Do It | p. 165 |
| Bibliography | p. 183 |
| Index | p. 195 |