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Summary
Summary
International bestseller
As seen in The Wall Street Journal --from free play to cozy together time, discover the parenting secrets of the happiest people in the world
What makes Denmark the happiest country in the world--and how do Danish parents raise happy, confident, successful kids, year after year? This upbeat and practical book presents six essential principles, which spell out P-A-R-E-N-T:
P lay is essential for development and well-being.
A uthenticity fosters trust and an "inner compass."
R eframing helps kids cope with setbacks and look on the bright side.
E mpathy allows us to act with kindness toward others.
N o ultimatums means no power struggles, lines in the sand, or resentment.
T ogetherness is a way to celebrate family time, on special occasions and every day. The Danes call this hygge --and it's a fun, cozy way to foster closeness. Preparing meals together, playing favorite games, and sharing other family traditions are all hygge. (Cell phones, bickering, and complaining are not!)
With illuminating examples and simple yet powerful advice, The Danish Way of Parenting will help parents from all walks of life raise the happiest, most well-adjusted kids in the world.
Author Notes
Jessica Joelle Alexander is en American columnist end mom living in Europe, with her Danish husband and kids.
Iben Pissing Sandahl is a licensed psychotherapist and family counselor who has worked for many years in her private practice outside Copenhagen, Denmark.
Reviews (2)
Publisher's Weekly Review
Originally self-published by Sandahl, a Danish family therapist, and Alexander, an American mother married to a Dane, this cross-cultural parenting manual is a testament to Danish upbringing, which the authors believe is the reason that Denmark, according to studies, is home to "the happiest people in the world." As depicted here, the Danish parenting style yields impressive results: resilient, emotionally secure children who grow up to parent their own kids in the same way. The authors warn that the "default settings" for Americans parents aren't always the best choices for fostering happiness. They position the Danish whole-child approach, which emphasizes socialization, autonomy, and self-esteem, as an appealing alternative. With anecdotes from the authors' childhoods and personal family stories, research from child psychology studies, and advice from parenting experts, the book presents a six-part program, represented by the acronym PARENT: play, authenticity, reframing, empathy, no ultimatums, togetherness. This pithy, practical little volume is the ideal guide for parents seeking to change their child-rearing habits. (Aug.) © Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved.
Guardian Review
Denmark approaches childhood, and society as a whole, very differently to Britain or the US, argue Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Dissing Sandahl Having muddled through six years of parenthood without consulting any books on the subject, I was pretty excited about this, my first one. Perhaps it would finally provide some answers to the many questions that have been building up in my mind. Such as: it is possible to clean poo off the carpet at 6am without weeping? Where does one find a glamorous, highly paid, flexible, family-friendly job? How do I train my children to mix a perfect vodka and tonic, and bring it to me on the sofa before dinner? What are you supposed to do when they just sit down on the pavement half way to school and refuse to move? I had high hopes for The Danish Way of Parenting, which promises to "help parents from all walks of life raise the happiest, most well-adjusted kids in the world". The argument of the book is compelling. Denmark has been found to have the happiest people in the world almost every year since 1973, but there has never been a clear consensus about why. The authors, an American writer and her Danish psychotherapist husband, claim to have uncovered the secret: Danes are happy because of their upbringing. This exposition of the Danish parenting philosophy, originally self-published, sold more than 10,000 copies in a year. Although this edition has a British publisher, there's a great deal about "what it means to be an American parent". One of the key things to emerge was just how glad I am not to be an American parent. This book paints a damning portrait of child-rearing in the States (though I'm sure the truth is more complicated): individualism and competition are the twin bedrocks, with kids pushed relentlessly to "achieve" in sports and academia, and medicated when they can't cope. In 2010, 5.2 million American children were on Ritalin, and obesity is leading to an epidemic of early-onset puberty, which in turn is often treated with hormone shots. I had no idea that corporal punishment -- hitting students with a paddle or cane for misbehaving -- is still legal in state schools in 19 US states, and is allowed in private schools across the country. Studies suggest that up to 90% of Americans still use spanking as a form of discipline for their children. In contrast, in Denmark the emphasis is on wellbeing through interdependence. Children start school aged six, and until the age of 10 finish the day at two o'clock, with the afternoon dedicated to free play. The curriculum prioritises teamwork and building empathy rather than individual achievement. And it's not just education: the health system, too, does simple but effective things such as link new mothers up with others in their area for support in the crucial first few months. So when the authors say that "upbringing" is the key to happiness in Denmark, they are not just talking about parenting. They are talking about a humane and cohesive society, with systems in place to support everyone. What American, or indeed British, readers would need to bring such a situation about is not a parenting book, but political upheaval. (Though the truth about Denmark is more complicated, too.) The parenting tips are sensible enough, if hardly earth-shattering. They are organised around the "easy-to-remember acronym Parent" -- Play, Authenticity, Reframing, Empathy, No ultimatums and Togetherness. Some seem pretty obvious ("If your kids ask a question, give them an honest answer"; "connect with your child and lighten the situation with humour"). Others lend technical terminology to behaviour that most of us would instinctively recognise as the right thing to do. The "Reframing" chapter, for example, advises us to accentuate the positive aspects of negative experiences: the child says they played football badly; you tell them they'll do better next time. We should avoid labelling children with negative traits by separating the behaviour and the child -- so rather than calling little Walter lazy, we are supposed to tell him he is "affected by laziness". "No ultimatums" is maintaining a calm and authoritative manner, without shouting or hitting. "Togetherness", or the very on-trend concept of " hygge ", is making time for families to do nice things together -- such as lighting candles, playing games and singing. It's basically the opposite of all sitting in separate rooms with iPads. The problem with this, as with any parenting advice, is the all-important difference between knowing what the right thing to do is, and actually doing it. Of course I never want to stand in the middle of the street screaming "Just get off the sodding pavement" at my three-year-old. Clearly I would know, in a saner moment, that this is only likely to teach him to scream back at me, or at somebody else. But in that moment the knowledge is useless because he is driving me totally nuts. As the authors acknowledge, much of our behaviour as parents comes from our "default settings", learned in childhood and absorbed from our surroundings. We can -- and of course we should -- try to be better parents on an individual level, but it's important to recognise that we can't pick up the pieces where society is failing. Perhaps rather than navel-gazing endlessly about "parenting", we need to direct our desire for change and improvement into the outside world. If that seems a little overwhelming, there is still, Brexit notwithstanding, another option just about open to us: move to Denmark. - Alice O'Keeffe.
Excerpts
Excerpts
P lay A uthenticity R eframing E mpathy N o Ultimatums T ogetherness and Hygge (Coziness) What's the Secret to Danish Happiness? Denmark , a small country in the north of Europe famous for Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tale "The Little Mermaid," has been voted as having the happiest people in the world by the OECD (Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development) almost every year since 1973. 1973! That's more than forty years of consistently being voted the happiest people in the world! If you stop to think about that for a second, it's a staggering accomplishment. Even the new World Happiness Report that was recently launched by the United Nations has seen Denmark top the list every year since its inception. What is the secret to their consistent success? Countless articles and studies have been devoted to solving this mystery. Denmark? Why Denmark? 60 Minutes did a report on it called "The Pursuit of Happiness"; Oprah did a show on it, "Why Are the Danes So Happy?" and the conclusions are always conveniently inconclusive. Is it the size of their social system, their houses, or their government? It can't be the high taxes or the cold, dark winters, so what gives? The United States, on the other hand, the country with "the pursuit of happiness" built into its Declaration of Independence, isn't even in the top ten. It's barely in the top twenty, closer to number seventeen after Mexico. Despite having an entire field of psychology devoted to happiness and an endless sea of self- help books instructing us on how to attain this elusive state, we aren't really that happy. Why is that? And moreover, why are the Danes so content? After many years of research, we think we have finally uncovered the secret of why the Danes are so happy. And the answer, quite simply, is in their upbringing. The Danish philosophy behind parenting and their way of raising children yields some pretty powerful results: resilient, emotionally secure, happy kids who turn into resilient, emotionally secure, happy adults who then repeat this powerful parenting style with their own kids. The legacy repeats itself, and we get a society that tops the happiness charts for more than forty years in a row. Through this amazing journey of discovery, we have decided to share this knowledge about "the Danish Way" of parenting with you. In this step- by- step guide, our goal is to help mothers and fathers who are about to embark on or have already begun one of the most challenging and extraordinary jobs in the world. Incorporating this method takes practice, patience, resolve, and awareness, but the outcome is well worth the work. Remember that this is your legacy. If your goal is to raise the happiest people in the world, then please read on. The real secret of the Danes' success is inside. Jessica's Story When my friends heard that I had cowritten a parenting book, they all laughed. "You, the most non maternal woman we know, cowrote a parenting book?" The irony is, it was precisely my lack of natural mothering skills that made me so interested in the Danish Way in the first place. It had changed my life so profoundly that I knew if it could help me, it could definitely help others. You see, I wasn't born with all those innate nurturing mother skills supposedly all women are born with. I don't have a problem admitting it. I wasn't a kid person. I didn't even like kids that much, if I am to be completely honest. I became a mom because that's what people do. So you can imagine my deep- seated fear when I got pregnant and thought, "How in the world am I going to do this? Surely I am going to be a terrible mom!" And so I got busy reading every parenting book I could get my hands on. I read a lot. I learned a lot. But still, the fear remained. To my good fortune, I was married to a Dane. For more than eight years I had been exposed to the Danish culture, and one thing I noticed was that they were clearly doing something right with their children. Overall, I consistently observed happy, calm, well-behaved kids, and I wondered what their secret was. But there was no parenting book I could find on the subject. When I finally became a mother, I found myself doing the only natural thing for me, which was to ask my Danish friends and family for every single answer to every single question I had. From breast- feeding to discipline to education, I preferred their off- the-cuff answers to all the books I had on my shelf. Through this journey, I discovered a philosophy of raising children that opened my eyes and changed my life completely. My good friend Iben and I discussed the idea. Iben is a Danish psychotherapist with many years of experience working with families and children, and together we asked the question, "Does a Danish way of parenting exist?" To her knowledge, it didn't. We looked high and low for some literature on the subject, but there was nothing. In all her years working in the Danish school system and being a family psychotherapist, she had never heard of a "Danish Way." She knew all the academic theories and the research on parenting practices, many of which she used in her family life on a daily basis, but could there be a distinctive parenting style embedded in her very own culture that she hadn't seen? A Pattern Emerges The more we talked about it, the more it became clear that there was indeed a Danish parenting philosophy, but it was woven so tightly into the fabric of daily life and Danish culture that it wasn't immediately visible to those of us in the midst of it. The more we looked at it, the more the pattern emerged from the fabric. And there it was, laid out before us: The Danish Way of Parenting . The Danish Way is our theory based on our more than thirteen years of experience, research, supporting studies, and facts about Danish culture and daily life. Iben is an expert in her field, bringing professional insight as well as many supporting studies and cultural examples, along with her personal experience. We have both learned so much along this journey, having researched and conducted extensive interviews with parents, psychologists, and teachers regarding the Danish school system. The collaboration was wholly equal, and all the supporting studies can be found in the back of the book. We would like to clarify that this is not a political statement, nor is it a book about living in Denmark. It is a parenting theory, which we believe is one of the leading factors as to why the Danes are voted so consistently happy. Happy kids grow up to be happy adults who raise happy kids, and so on. Happy kids grow up to be happy adults who raise happy kids, and so on. We also know that parenting style is not the only reason the Danes are happy. We know there are many factors contributing to their happiness and that there are certainly unhappy people living there as well. Denmark is not utopia, and surely it has its own internal matters to deal with, as does every country. Nor is this book in any way meant to be disparaging to the U.S. This is an enormous country, and the facts and observations we state in the book are generalizations. Jessica, personally, is very proud to be American and loves her country dearly. She has simply had the opportunity to see the world with a very different pair of glasses on--through "Danish lenses," if you will--and it has changed her whole perspective on life. We would like to offer you these glasses to put on for yourself and see what you think when you look through them. If this book helps you see things differently, then, for us, it has been a success. You might not go from "the most non maternal person" to a happier parent and better human being, as Jessica has, but we hope the changes will be positive ones. And we hope you will enjoy the journey. Excerpted from The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know about Raising Confident, Capable Kids by Jessica Joelle Alexander, Iben Sandahl All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
Table of Contents
| Foreword to the Updated Edition | p. xiii |
| Introduction: What's the Secret to Danish Happiness? | p. xvii |
| Chapter 1 Recognizing Our Default Settings | p. 1 |
| Chapter 2 P Is for Play | p. 9 |
| Chapter 3 A Is for Authenticity | p. 29 |
| Chapter 4 R Is for Reframing | p. 47 |
| Chapter 5 E Is for Empathy | p. 73 |
| Chapter 6 N Is for No Ultimatums | p. 97 |
| Chapter 7 T Is for Togetherness and Hygge | p. 121 |
| Hygge Oath | p. 141 |
| Where Do We Go from Here? | p. 143 |
| Special Thanks | p. 147 |
| Notes | p. 149 |
| Index | p. 179 |