About this item
"It's like the meanest, wildest monkey running around my head, constantly looking for ways to bite me." That was how Kirsten Pagacz described her OCD to her therapist on their first session when she was well into her 30s -- she'd been following orders from this mean taskmaster for 20 years, without understanding why.Initially the tapping and counting and cleaning and ordering brought her comfort and structure, two things lacking in her family life. But it never lasted; the loathsome self-talk only intensified, and the rituals she had to perform got more bizarre. By high school she was anorexic and a substance abuser -- common "shadow syndromes" of OCD. By adulthood, she could barely hide her problems and held on to jobs and friends through sheer grit.
About the Author
My name is Kirsten Pagacz. I was born in 1966 and grew up in Oak Park, IL. OCD came into my life when I was nine years old. At the onset, it was a welcomed distraction that took me away from my chaotic childhood. My OCD was like a secret friend that always had interesting things for me to do. Doing the assigned rituals was somewhat repetitive and soothing. My OCD was a shape shifter and by high school I was deep in the clutches of my illness. I also developed the shadow syndromes, anorexia and substance abuse. These were the first two to arrive. As for my professional life, I had a successful looking sales and marketing career on paper and worked for some popular fortune 500 companies. On some dreaded mornings, I would lie in heap on the floor, in the fetal position, crying and choking on my tears and mucus before I could leave the house and go to work. This was my private hell.
When I was 32, after a complete mental collapse, I was diagnosed with severe OCD. On that day, in front of my doctor, I found one grain of sanity left within myself. From that one grain I had to grow a peaceful warrior, because the fight of a lifetime was in front of me. I wanted to do more than merely exist. I wanted joy back. I was tired of being robbed of literally thousands of hours while trying to comply with the demands of my OCD.
Since I was diagnosed with severe OCD, I've been actively on my path to wellness and stability. Today, my OCD is in the side car, and I'm driving behind the wheel, and I can teach other sufferers to experience the same. Today, I can do the simple things in life simply, without getting stuck, which is miraculous! I enjoy a big happy life and I have a set of blue prints for getting there!
